Some­times when life isn’t going well, I have to remind myself of every­thing that’s hap­pened in the past few decade. I fin­ish col­lege, get mar­ried, become a young father. The wife cheats and leaves, and I meet major depres­sion. Some­how, I get a Ph.D. and move to a new city, a new job and start over.

About the only thing that hasn’t hap­pened in the past decade is the death of a loved one.

Should I really expect that things be fan­tas­tic again so soon? I ought to be frus­trated from time to time. I should expect to be lonely now and then. I lost my wife and friend of seven years. How can I be so numb to all of this loss and change? I have this drive to move on and not let the past hold me down, but I think I take this detach­ment too far. I ignore the drama in my life because it brings me pain, when I know the only way I can move past it is to process it and feel it, until it leaves me.

I’m tired of griev­ing. I want to leave it behind. Yet all I see before me is the poten­tial for more pain, more loss. I’m scarred and scared.