Kitty Kitty Kitty – Noah Haidle

kittykittykitty

Pro­duced at the 2004 Sum­mer Play Fes­ti­val in New York City.

Orig­i­nal Cast:

Kitty                                                                     Michael Gold­strom
Kitty Kitty
                                                            Kel O’Neill
Kitty Kitty Kitty  
                                                 Mic­a­hel Stadle­mann
Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty, Mr. Per­son 
                    Chris Hogan
Mrs. Per­son, Cat   
                                             Mia Bar­ron
Sci­en­tist  
                                                            Conor Bar­rett

Direc­tor:  Car­olyn Cantor

Kitty:  A sui­ci­dal house­cat. Lost the will to live until he falls in love with his clone.
Kitty Kitty:  Kitty’s clone. Looks exactly like Kitty, but doesn’t love him.
Kitty Kitty Kitty:  Kitty’s clone. Doesn’t look exactly like him. Is a lit­tle slow
Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty:  Kitty’s clone. Stu­pid.
Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty Kitty:  Kitty’s clone. Full-fledge retarded. Totally incomprehensible—speaks in grunts and yells.
Mr. Per­son:  Kitty Kitty’s owner, who is really lonely.
Mrs. Per­son:  Kitty Kitty’s other owner. Kind of a bitch.
Sci­en­tist:  A good-hearted sci­en­tist who had the vision to clone the first house­cat.
Cat:  A stu­pid cat who lives on the Jer­sey Shore and can’t remem­ber what he ate for dinner.

Pub­li­ca­tion:  Hai­dle, Noah. Kitty Kitty Kitty. Drama­tists Play Ser­vice, 2006. Drama Library PS3608. A52 K58 2006.

Set­ting:  A secret island off the coast of New Jer­sey; a gated com­mu­nity in New Jersey

Lan­guage:  Contemporary

KITTY KITTY

You don’t love me. You love your­self. The hand jobs we gave each other were wrong on a level reserved for Greek tragedy. It’s my guess that peo­ple will want to do stud­ies about us. I read about a pair of iden­ti­cal twins from Ari­zona who were sep­a­rated at birth but who both became bus dri­vers and had wives named Kim. Isn’t that amaz­ing? And w’ere not just iden­ti­cal twins. We’re clones.

Genre/Style:  Comedy

Plot:   Kitty, a sui­ci­dal house­cat, falls in love with his clone, Kitty Kitty, who, unfor­tu­nately, doesn’t love him back.  After being rejected by Kitty Kitty, Kitty cre­ates more clones hop­ing to find true love again.  The results are dis­as­trous as well as humor­ous.  Def­i­nitely not a seri­ous look at cloning a la A Num­ber by Caryl Churchill, but rather an exam­i­na­tion of love and obses­sion, and the role nar­cis­sism might play in deter­min­ing who we love.  And, of course, it’s also about cats giv­ing each other hand jobs.

 

 

Rep­re­sen­ta­tive Mono­logues:  Mono­logues con­tain the first few lines and the last few lines; please con­sult the pub­lished text for the mono­logue in its entirety.

p.10–11:  Kitty tells Kitty Kitty how he used to write poetry and how he’s going to write a love poem to Kitty Kitty, whom he has falling instantly in love with. Very short monologue.

KITTY

I used to write poetry. You know, like about my life and every­thing. What I was feel­ing.  [Lines cut] But you’ll learn. You’ll learn to talk. You’ll learn to move. You’ll learn that you’re in love with me too.

p.18–19:  Kitty writes a mes­sage to put in a bot­tle for Kitty Kitty express­ing his love and includ­ing a love poem for him. Long monologue.

KITTY

Dear­est Kitty Kitty,

It’s me, Kitty. I’m writ­ing you a mes­sage in a bot­tle. Pretty  cheesy, right? I escaped from the lab­o­ra­tory and am float­ing in the Atlantic Ocean hope­fully towards where you live. I feel like Mark Wahlberg at the end of The Per­fect Storm; did you ever see that movie? I think it’s under­rated, and that Diane Lane is ter­rific in any­thing. Any­way, just before he drowns Mark com­mu­ni­cates through voiceover with Diane and says that all there is, is love.

[Lines cut]

I wrote you a poem. It’s my first love poem so it might not be any good:
This is for a cat named Kitty Kitty
I think he is very pretty pretty
He makes me blush
And makes me gush,
All of the tears in my eyes
The joy he pro­vides
To my insides
Is enough to fill my lungs as I drown

 

 

Rep­re­sen­ta­tive Scenes: 

p. 7–8:  Kitty is depressed and sui­ci­dal.  The Sci­en­tist is prepar­ing to clone him. Starts with

SCIENTIST

Here, kitty. (He makes kissy noises peo­ple make to pets and babies.) Here, kitty kitty. (More kissy noises. Kitty wakes up but doesn’t move.) I brought you a saucer of milk. A nice saucer of milk for you. (Kissy noises.) You must be hun­gry. Come on, kitty kitty. (Kitty goes to the saucer of milk but doesn’t drink.) What’s wrong? Do you think the milk is poi­soned? Is that what you think? Here, I’ll drink some first so you know it’s not poi­son milk. (He drinks some. Puts it back down.) Mmnnnnnnn­mmm. You see, it’s fine. (Kitty reluc­tantly begins lap­ping up the milk.) Did you know     in ancient times there were food tasters who made sure impor­tant people’s food wasn’t           poi­soned? I bet you didn’t know that. I bet you didn’t. (He pets Kitty, who doesn’t purr.) Can I get     a lit­tle purr? Just a lit­tle one? Puuuuuuuur.

and ends with

KITTY

It’ll be so good to be dead.

p. 23–26:  Kitty tries to win Kitty Kitty back  Starts with

KITTY KITTY

Do you know what I am?

and ends with

KITTY KITTY

Good­bye.

p. 27–29:  Kitty writes a sui­cide note in the sand, meets another cat, and decides that instead of killing him­self, he’ll cre­ate another clone to love.  The Mr. Per­son and Kitty Kitty lines in the scene can be cut.  Starts with

CAT

                What are you writing?

and ends with

KITTY

Another clone. Why not? There’s no one around to screw it up. I’ll teach him to love me. Here I come, Kitty Kitty Kitty.

 

 

Select Bib­li­og­ra­phy of Reviews and Crit­i­cism:  (Note:  arti­cle title links are to the online ver­sions, mostly UW-only restricted unless des­ig­nated as open access.)

Reel, J. (2009, 16 July).  Clones and Lust:  ‘Kitty Kitty Kitty’ con­veys impor­tant ideas about love and nar­cis­sism in an enter­tain­ing way.  [open access]Tucson Weekly.

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